And the Oscar for most hats used in a motion picture goes to Blackbird. Congratulations, no one deserves this more than you. “Michael Flatley like you’ve never seen him before,” jaysus was that an understatement. This truly is a sight to behold, an experience unlike anything you’ve seen before.
I’ve seen some truly awful movies over the years but Blackbird is right there with the worst of them. Imagine for a moment that the Lord of the Dance decided he wanted to make a career move into film. But not just any film, no Michael Flatley directs, writes, produces and stars in Blackbird, which is best described as a James Bond-esque vanity project. I guess if you’ve got millions to spare and you’ve always wanted to star in your own spy movie then you can make it happen. Unfortunately Michael Flatley spent all his energy on whether he could make this monstrosity, he doesn’t seem to have stopped and asked whether he should.
Secret agent Victor Blackley (Michael Flatley) aka “Blackbird” has retired from service and now owns a luxurious nightclub in the Caribbean called The Blue Moon. With no shortage of beautiful young women to sing for him, bring him tiny espressos and/or endless hats he is thoroughly enjoying his retirement whilst simultaneously suppressing the dark shadows of his past. Cue the many, many flashback scenes. This is short-lived when an old flame (Nicole Evans) arrives at The Blue Moon. Unfortunately for Victor Blackley she brings with her a whole lot of trouble and people who look like trouble about to cause trouble. Enter Eric Roberts as Blake the generic sneering bad guy, and now Blackley may needs to decide whether to stay in retirement or save the world.
Yes this is a real movie, no you’re not having a nightmare, this is really happening. If you thought The Room was bad, well hold onto your hats because Blackbird has just lowered the bar for bad movies. Firstly everything you’ve heard about Blackbird is true, the film is terrible. It’s every bad cliché from every spy movie ever shoved together in a badly edited, cringe inducing mess of a movie that will have you absolutely crying with laughter at how bad it is. Arms dealers selling secret weapons, secret files, secret missions, funerals in the rain and it’s even got a half assed poker game thrown into it, take that Casino Royale. Despite how dreadful Blackbird is, it’s the audience that made this the wonderful experience it turned out to be because before the film even started and the “Dance Lord Productions” logo appeared the cinema was pissing themselves laughing. For the entire movie the screen was cheering, whooping and laughing. Very few movies manage to fall into the “so bad it’s good” category, but Blackbird is the poster child for that unique genre. The script is laugh out loud terrible, it’s unintentionally hilarious. From every cheesy line, Flatley’s attempt to convince us he’s an ex secret agent and the ludicrous fight scenes, the crowd were loving every minute of it.
Flatley has obviously been desperate to portray a secret agent/action star and he has brought that dream onto the big screen for the world to enjoy/laugh at/die from cringe/etc. Make no mistake the movie is terrible and I can’t give it more than one star because I haven’t lost my mind. It has definitely earned its place as one of the worst movies ever made but I laughed so much through it all, I have to give it a star for pure entertainment, and the best experience I’ve had watching a movie in the cinema. Blackbird is certainly not trying to be a comedy but you’re sure to laugh your way through this from start to finish anyway. The Lighthouse Cinema have already turned it into a drinking game, so if you’re in need of a good laugh then Blackbird is the movie choice for you this weekend. Recommended for those who enjoyed The Room and/or die hard Michael Flatley fans.
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