Blackbird

And the Oscar for most hats used in a motion picture goes to Blackbird. Congratulations, no one deserves this more than you. “Michael Flatley like you’ve never seen him before,” jaysus was that an understatement. This truly is a sight to behold, an experience unlike anything you’ve seen before.

I’ve seen some truly awful movies over the years but Blackbird is right there with the worst of them. Imagine for a moment that the Lord of the Dance decided he wanted to make a career move into film. But not just any film, no Michael Flatley directs, writes, produces and stars in Blackbird, which is best described as a James Bond-esque vanity project. I guess if you’ve got millions to spare and you’ve always wanted to star in your own spy movie then you can make it happen. Unfortunately Michael Flatley spent all his energy on whether he could make this monstrosity, he doesn’t seem to have stopped and asked whether he should.

Secret agent Victor Blackley (Michael Flatley) aka “Blackbird” has retired from service and now owns a luxurious nightclub in the Caribbean called The Blue Moon. With no shortage of beautiful young women to sing for him, bring him tiny espressos and/or endless hats he is thoroughly enjoying his retirement whilst simultaneously suppressing the dark shadows of his past. Cue the many, many flashback scenes. This is short-lived when an old flame (Nicole Evans) arrives at The Blue Moon. Unfortunately for Victor Blackley she brings with her a whole lot of trouble and people who look like trouble about to cause trouble. Enter Eric Roberts as Blake the generic sneering bad guy, and now Blackley may needs to decide whether to stay in retirement or save the world.

Yes this is a real movie, no you’re not having a nightmare, this is really happening. If you thought The Room was bad, well hold onto your hats because Blackbird has just lowered the bar for bad movies. Firstly everything you’ve heard about Blackbird is true, the film is terrible. It’s every bad cliché from every spy movie ever shoved together in a badly edited, cringe inducing mess of a movie that will have you absolutely crying with laughter at how bad it is. Arms dealers selling secret weapons, secret files, secret missions, funerals in the rain and it’s even got a half assed poker game thrown into it, take that Casino Royale. Despite how dreadful Blackbird is, it’s the audience that made this the wonderful experience it turned out to be because before the film even started and the “Dance Lord Productions” logo appeared the cinema was pissing themselves laughing. For the entire movie the screen was cheering, whooping and laughing. Very few movies manage to fall into the “so bad it’s good” category, but Blackbird is the poster child for that unique genre. The script is laugh out loud terrible, it’s unintentionally hilarious. From every cheesy line, Flatley’s attempt to convince us he’s an ex secret agent and the ludicrous fight scenes, the crowd were loving every minute of it.

Flatley has obviously been desperate to portray a secret agent/action star and he has brought that dream onto the big screen for the world to enjoy/laugh at/die from cringe/etc. Make no mistake the movie is terrible and I can’t give it more than one star because I haven’t lost my mind. It has definitely earned its place as one of the worst movies ever made but I laughed so much through it all, I have to give it a star for pure entertainment, and the best experience I’ve had watching a movie in the cinema. Blackbird is certainly not trying to be a comedy but you’re sure to laugh your way through this from start to finish anyway. The Lighthouse Cinema have already turned it into a drinking game, so if you’re in need of a good laugh then Blackbird is the movie choice for you this weekend. Recommended for those who enjoyed The Room and/or die hard Michael Flatley fans.

★☆☆☆☆

The Gray Man

So you could spend the current heatwave outside in the sunshine roasting yourself or you could sit in a nice cool air-conditioned cinema and watch an action packed thriller starring Ryan Gosling, Chris Evans and Ana de Armas. You could also sit in the comfort of your own home and watch The Gray Man on Netflix…the cinema would be cooler though, just saying.

The Gray Man is the perfect movie for all you action loving people out there. It’s absolutely stuffed full of the most over the top action sequences. Gun fights everywhere, nightclubs, trams, planes, hospitals, fancy mansions, with so many annoying swirling camera movements who can tell where you are half the time? On and on and with a 200 million budget they really went all in with this one.

The CIA recruits hardened criminals for some secret missions, known as the Gray Men. They are given the choice to either serve out their sentence behind bars or devote themselves to a lifelong career as hitmen for the CIA. The Grey Men are ultra-effective and ultra-disposable. Sure it’s not quite John Wick or The Bourne Ultimatum but it’s entertaining and certainly delivers on the one thing that matters, the action. Six, played by Ryan Gosling is the most skilled operative in the business and has gotten used to his new life. Things then take a turn for the worst when he accidentally uncovers some dark agency secrets setting out a disastrous chain of events and a bounty on his head. Enter Lloyd Hansen (Chris Evans). Yet again we’ve seen Evans take on a villainous role and he plays it great. A ramped up psychotic bad guy, hell-bent on getting the mission done and leaving a trail of destruction in the process, as more and more assassins get involved in the global manhunt for Six.

Expectations is important with this one, if you watch The Gray Man expecting James Bond then yes you’ll be disappointed. This isn’t a smart or ground-breaking action movie. It’s not revolutionary and doesn’t do anything you haven’t already seen before. It’s predictable, loud, and crashy, in a let’s destroy as much stuff as possible as quickly as possible kind of way. Grenades? You can never have too many grenades! All the world’s top assassins hunting one man is definitely going to wreck the place if none of them know how to use a gun properly. Bullets flying everywhere, hitting everything, except the target. Pfft, some assassins. Yes it’s silly but you’ll still be entertained and isn’t that what you really want. It’s not trying to be a smart or sophisticated action flick, it arrives, does the job and ends. Ryan Gosling makes a good action star, Evans is an evil bastard and having a great time onscreen and Ana de Armas is just as much as a badass in this as she was in No Time to Die.

I liked it, very entertaining in the moment but don’t get any ideas about franchising The Gray Man, not everything needs to be part of an endless stream of sequels, prequels and spinoffs. Recommended for the Gosling fans or anyone looking for a distraction for a couple of hours.

★★★☆☆

Jurassic World: Dominion

Oh how the mighty have fallen, Jurassic World: Dominion might just be the worst of the franchise. If you thought Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet. The return of Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum was enough to get us back into the Jurassic Park / World franchise but unfortunately it’s not enough to save the movie.

Set four years after the destruction of Isla Nublar and the dinosaurs are now living alongside humans all over the world. That’s going about as well as you’d expect, although we don’t get to focus much on that, because very quickly we’re cut away from a big scary dinosaur attacking a fishing boat for 30 seconds back to Owen (Chris Pratt) and Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) and their new daughter who they must hide from the evil scientists. Enter Lewis Dodgson (Campbell Scott) who looks like a mishmash of every billionaire ever with too much money and not enough sense. Dodgson runs a Bond villainesque company, oh sorry I mean a dinosaur sanctuary, that’s so totally not evil. Because here at biotechytechytech, the focus is on the lovely happy safe space for the dinosaurs and they’re so totally not up to any shady business whatsoever. It’s all about rescuing the poor dinosaurs who are wreaking havoc worldwide, and not secretly causing something sinister like a global food shortage or anything evil like that. They’re totally the good guys here, look they even have that scientist from the first movie so you know they have the best intentions. Well one way or another, the question will be answered as to whether human beings and dinosaurs can share the planet or will this be the end of life as we know it?

There’s only one truly great Jurassic Park movie and it’s always been the first one. Steven Spielberg created the magic of bringing dinosaurs onto the big screen. It looked real and was absolutely fantastic. No other Jurassic Park movie recreated that sense of awe, wonder and fear. The Jurassic Park trilogy had scary moments where you feared and cared about the characters and the sense that they were in actual danger. We’ve sure come a long way since then because at no point in Jurassic World: Dominion do you get that feeling that any of the characters are in danger. There’s no suspense and no edge of your seat moment. I’ve never wanted to see a dinosaur eat Chris Pratt so much in my entire life. Every time he came face to face with a scary dinosaur, he just held up his little hand and says “No!” I’m Chris Pratt, you don’t eat me, I’m the star.” It’s ridiculous.

You know there’s a problem when the CGI dinosaurs have more emotion than the human characters. For the third time now we’ve been subjected to the blandness that is Bryce (I can outrun a T. Rex in heels) Dallas Howard and Chris (the dinosaur whisperer) Pratt so any interaction between the two is boring and emotionless. We didn’t come to the cinema for this, we either came for the original cast or we’re here to see dinosaurs kill each other. And sure if there’s a little bit of nostalgia thrown in for good measure that’s nice too. A little bit of nostalgia is one thing, but practically recreating almost every scene possible from the older movies is just plain lazy. Remember that bit with the jeep? Well here it is again. The Dilophosaurus? Here’s a whole bunch of them, the dinosaur locusts….no wait that’s new. Alright who ordered the dinolocusts!? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah I didn’t think so. Sure there are some new dinosaurs in this movie and a few fan favourites but they don’t exactly get much screen time. Unfortunately Jurassic World: Dominion has a little less apex predator and a little too much prehistoric locusts.

I can only hope the reason we’ve seen the return of the original cast is for the paycheque. I was looking forward to seeing Dern, Neill and Goldblum together again but it’s still a disappointment. Unfortunately this is probably the last time they’ll all be onscreen together in a Jurassic Park movie and it didn’t end up going out on a high like it should have. It’s hard to believe this was made by an apparent Jurassic Park fan, like dude what the hell were you trying to make with this!? Jurassic Park meets James Bond meets Taken. The movie’s a freakin’ mess!

I’ve heard quite a few reviews saying they threw everything at this in the desperate hope that something will stick, well that’s certainly true. Think of all the good bits from the Jurassic Park franchise, shove them together with some lifeless characters, endless nods to the original movies and you’ve got Jurassic World: Dominion. Does it work? No. Will it make a fortune? Yes. Will we get another one? Yes, in some shape or form. Franchises is where the money’s at and you can guarantee Universal won’t have a gap in the dinosaur market for too long. You have to admit there’s not exactly a huge amount of dinosaur movies out there so when a new one emerges people will go see them, but come on Universal we deserve better than this. Recommended for anyone looking to entertain their kids for two and a half hours, for Jurassic Park fans, skip it.

★★☆☆☆

Top Gun: Maverick

Alright folks, strap yourselves in for one of the most anticipated movies of the year, the Navy’s top aviators are finally back. After over thirty years, Pete Mitchell (Tom Cruise) has been called back into service. Join Cruise and all the other top pilots in their most dangerous mission yet, only this time without the cheesy 80s soundtrack. Maverick finds himself in the unlikely position as a teacher to the best of the best Top Gun graduates for a confidential and highly dangerous mission in “insert generic country here.” Not only is Maverick faced with the difficult task of training these pilots for a mission “the likes of which no living pilot has ever seen” but one of the recruits is Lt. Bradley Bradshaw (Miles Teller) aka “Rooster” aka the son of “Goose”.

Well I know the original Top Gun has a massive fanbase, who I can only imagine love it so much due to nostalgia because if like me you recently watched it, I think we all realise it has not aged well at all. Top Gun: Maverick has taken the franchise to a whole new level, very much like the Mission Impossible movies, it’s kicked it into a new gear and is all about the action. The flight sequences are an exhilarating thrill ride you won’t want to miss. Adrenaline fuelled, gripping and so well filmed that you will feel like you’re sitting in the jets themselves. Visually epic, and exceeds expectations. It’s not necessary to see the original Top Gun beforehand but it does help. And although Top Gun: Maverick isn’t as cheesy as the first one, it does have enough cringey dialogue to remind you that you are in fact watching a Top Gun movie.

There’s also a surprising emotional element throughout that I definitely wasn’t expecting, and the decision to bring back Val Kilmer as Tom “Iceman” Kazansky was handled perfectly. Miles Teller was absolutely perfect casting for Lt. Nick Bradshaw’s son. It’s been a while since I’ve seen Teller in anything as good as Whiplash and he’s here now reminding us all of how good an actor he really is. Top Gun: Maverick has improved on the original in every way and caters towards both new and old fans of Top Gun.

I was “lucky” enough to be sitting right next to three of Tom Cruise’s biggest fans. They might have been enjoying it more than everyone else in the cinema combined judging by their whooping, clapping and the fact that they were practically wetting themselves with anticipation any time Cruise was onscreen or there was any sort of reference made to the original Top Gun. These ultra-fanboys loved every minute of it so Top Gun fans I can promise you’ll absolutely adore this sequel.

Look many of you know that I’m not the biggest Tom Cruise fan at all but when he’s delivering on the action it’s honestly a terrific experience to see on the big screen in a cinema. He may not be Hollywood’s greatest actor but he’s got one setting that he does better than anyone, and that setting is action man. Despite being nearly sixty he does not shy away from the stunts and in a time where cinemas are struggling I can tell you that Top Gun: Maverick is made for the big screen so be sure you see it on the biggest screen possible and enjoy. Highly recommended and a must see for all the Top Gun fans.

★★★★★

Everything Everywhere All At Once

Evelyn (Michelle Yeoh) is an aging Chinese immigrant living in America with her own laundromat business. Struggling with everyday problems like family, taxes and an upcoming audit, Evelyn doesn’t seem to be living her best life. Things soon take a rapid change when she becomes swept up in an absolutely insane adventure in which she alone can save the world by exploring other universes and connecting with the lives she could have led.

In the infinite multiverse there are quite literally endless possibilities. There are no rules and no boundaries. It gives the filmmakers complete freedom to do whatever they like, while also avoiding the pitfalls of overloading the audience and still keeping an actual story going through all the mayhem. Everything Everywhere All at Once has blown everything out of the water and pushes the boundaries of filmmaking to an entirely new level. Directors Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert who gave us another crazy film, Swiss Army Man have created something really special with Everything Everywhere All at Once. So even though my head is melted and I felt I needed time to process the insanity of Everything Everywhere All at Once, this is a film I urge all of you to see.

At its heart it’s a story about the stresses of life, the feelings of regret and the constant ‘what if’ that I believe we can all relate to. There is also a mother daughter theme amongst the chaos. It’s really unlike anything you’ve ever seen before and I know we’ve had a few very recent trend of movies exploring the multiverse (Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, and Spider-Man: No Way Home) but this is something else entirely on another level. There are so many crazy alternative universes jam-packed into it making you as an audience question every potential life you could have lived and also showing you some mental universes you’d never think possible. I’m not going to say too much as all my reviews are spoiler free but Everything Everywhere All at Once is this decade’s The Matrix. The story takes you on a very chaotic journey which is also far more emotional than I expected. Michelle Yeoh and her daughter Joy (Stephanie Hsu) are absolutely wonderful. You’ve also got Ke Huy Quan (Short Round), James Hong and Jamie Lee Curtis in there. The entire cast are brilliant and I can only imagine the fun they all had creating this spectacular movie that had most of the cinema in stitches laughing.

Everything Everywhere All at Once is feckin’ bonkers, highly original and an experience not to be missed. Highly recommended, although I can tell you this will not be for everyone, and the only way to know for sure is to give it a chance but you cannot beat the feeling of seeing this madness in a packed cinema.

★★★★★

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

Doctor Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) is at it again messing with the fabric of reality and the doorway to the multiverse is kicked wide open causing absolute pandemonium. The threat to reality becomes too great for Strange, Wong (Benedict Wong) and Wanda (Elizabeth Olsen), and chaos ensues.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness is probably the closest thing any Marvel movie is going to get to a horror movie. We can all go ahead and thank director Sam Raimi for that, now there’s a director who understood the assignment. The film starts crazy and only gets more chaotic as it progresses. Once you go into the multiverse narrative there’s quite literally endless possibilities. We’ve already seen the potential of exploring the multiverse with Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse and Spider-Man: No Way Home and now the bar has been raised yet again with Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.

Multiverse of Madness is a lot of fun, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It does drift into horror movie territory for a good portion of the movie but if anything that just made me like it more. What can I say, I’m a fan of the first Doctor Strange and most of the Marvel movies and been looking forward to this for months. It’s not quite what I expected, but it’s mental and I loved it. It’s completely off the rails but with Cumberbatch and Olsen as two strong characters we’ve seen onscreen a few times it’s nice to see their characters developed further. Considering the sheer amount of comic book movies we’ve had over the last twenty years I think it’s safe to assume many people have become a little worn out by the same formula over and over again so to see Marvel hire a director like Raimi to make something a little different is great and I’d like more of this please. It’s important to have a little variety in the superhero genre and I love seeing Raimi step back into the superhero genre. Let’s be honest we all know Spider-Man 3 wasn’t his fault, studio interference continually ruins so many movies, so if he wants to make a sequel to The Multiverse of Madness then let him, I want to see more of this craziness.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness has lots of horror, lots of magic and lots of madness. Highly recommended for the Marvel fans, and for everyone else you need to be warned that without prior knowledge of the previous Marvel films you may feel a little lost. Don’t forget the two post credit scenes for all the die-hard fans.

★★★★☆

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

Nicolas Cage in the role he was clearly born to play because that role is himself, Nicolas Cage. Yes you heard that right, Nicolas Cage stars as Nick Cage in this buddy, character driven comedy/drama that all the die-hard Nicolas Cage fans will absolutely adore.

Cage is a struggling actor, severely strapped for cash (no really, this isn’t a biography) and agrees to make an appearance at a billionaire super-fan’s extravagant birthday party in Spain for a ridiculous amount of money. The only catch is the super-fan, Javi Gutierrez (Pedro Pascal) also happens to be a drug kingpin and Nicolas Cage reluctantly agrees to become an informant for the CIA. Now Cage must face his most difficult task yet and put all his acting talents into taking down his new best friend, Pedro Pascal.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in ages. Honestly the chemistry between Cage and Pascal make this so much better and I did not know we needed the hilarious duo that is Nicolas Cage and Pedro Pascal but it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Together they elevate the entire movie. The story itself is cheesy, ridiculous, hilarious, and definitely the comedic distraction we all need right now. It’s full on Nick Cage, and takes every moment it possibly can to reminisce previous Nick Cage movies. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent would not exist if it wasn’t for the history of the Nick Cage movies which range from the good, the bad and the what the hell is this. It’s silly and sweet in all the right places while also not afraid to make fun of itself.

Let’s be honest this movie was just made for the Nick Cage super-fans but it’s got something for everyone. Very entertaining with lots of laughs and a full of heart. Highly recommended for all and a must see for all the Nicolas Cage fans, and I know you exist. Get yourselves to the cinema to see The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent and I promise you won’t be disappointed.

★★★★☆

The Northman

From the mind that gave us films like The Witch and The Lighthouse, director Robert Eggers has given us a ferocious version of Amleth that really needs to be seen on the big screen to be fully appreciated.

A young Viking prince witnesses his father’s murder and his kingdom stolen from him. Years later and now a man, Amleth (Alexander Skarsgård) consumed by rage and hatred now seeks to avenge his father. This is a Viking movie unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. It’s a visually spectacular, blood drenched revenge thriller. There will be scenes scarred into your brain forever as only Robert Eggers can do (yes I’m still mentally scarred from The Lighthouse).

The Northman is by far my favourite film from Robert Eggers, I may not have been a big fan of either The Witch or The Lighthouse but I liked how well they were directed and looked. Eggers has a very unique style and vision and honestly I’m always curious to see what he’ll do next so I wasted no time booking tickets for The Northman. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I hope the other 20 people in the screen enjoyed it too, although I think we might all be left with hearing damage from the whole experience. Now before any of you accuse me of acting like an old lady, the place was literally vibrating from the noise I thought the ceiling tiles would start falling down on us, thank you very much Odeon (yes I did mention the sound issue to the staff, no it didn’t make any difference). My ears may still be ringing but I still loved the film, even if it was a little dragged out in places.

Egger’s previous movies have always felt very authentic, especially the dialogue, (for anyone worried if the dialogue is too Shakespearean to follow everything that’s happening, rest assured that is not the case). The Northman is no different and it definitely feels like a lot of research went into making this as realistic as possible and wow does it sure show. Immersive cinema at its best, you could hear a pin drop in the screen. Incredibly tense and will have you on edge for the entirety.

The Northman is everything I’d expect from a Robert Eggers Viking movie, a very dark, brutally violent and mental gorefest. Film fans be sure not to miss out on this one because it’s a cinematic experience you won’t want to miss. Two hours and twenty minutes of roaring blood-soaked Vikings won’t be to everyone’s tastes, I’d suggest anyone unsure of this should watch the trailer first as it gives a pretty good taste of what’s in store. Highly recommended for all the Robert Eggers fans.

★★★★☆

Uncharted

Uncharted; the movie based on a video game, looks like a video game, feels like a video game and honestly you’d be better off actually playing the video game.

Nathan Drake (Tom Holland) is a street-smart history obsessed barman who gets recruited by treasure hunter Victor Sullivan, aka Sully (Mark Wahlberg). Together they are searching for the lost fortune of Moncada, treasure which was lost 500 years ago and just waiting to be found by someone smart enough to figure out the endless clues. An unlikely pair, both driven by their desire to find the lost treasure. Holland and Marky Mark end up running around Barcelona in search of clues to the gold, with neither the charisma of Indiana Jones nor the entertainment value of Nicholas Cage, it’s not quite National Treasure and it’s nowhere near Raiders of the Lost Ark

I feel fans of the game may get more out of Uncharted. There’s certainly enough references to the game and some scenes that look like they were straight up lifted right out of the game. Although it’s got some nice locations, the story is very predictable and it doesn’t show you anything you haven’t seen before. In terms of the video game to movie adaptations it’s definitely one of the better ones though I’ve still yet to see a great one. I’d put it on the same level as Tomb Raider. Tom Holland is a great little stuntman and clearly the popular choice to play a slightly younger Nathan Drake, no doubt hoping to get a franchise out of this. Uncharted hasn’t done too bad at the box office, meaning we may not have seen the last of Holland and Wahlberg on their search for treasure.

Uncharted is nothing you haven’t already seen in National Treasure and Indiana Jones. Entertaining in the moment but instantly forgettable afterwards, recommended for Tom Holland fans and anyone who enjoyed Tomb Raider.

★★★☆☆

Moonfall

Well by now you’ve heard about a very strong contender for worst film of 2022, I know it’s early in the year but it’s hard to imagine anything being quite as bad as Moonfall this year.

Shockingly I had a certain expectation from director Roland Emmerich, who gave us films like The Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day. They’re by no means masterpieces but they are entertaining disaster movies and The Day After Tomorrow is up there as one of my favourites. I’d argue that Moonfall is better than another failed disaster movie, Geostorm, although I guess that’s not saying much. While Geostorm lacks an actual geostorm, at least Moonfall delivers what it promises, a moon falling. Yes you heard that right, some mysterious black alien goo has knocked the moon from it’s orbit, sending it on a collision course which then causes absolute catastrophic scenes on earth. Extreme tidal waves, diminishing oxygen levels and anti gravity spots. So naturally it’s up to former astronaut Jo Fowler (Halle Berry), disgraced astronaut Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson), and the local conspiracy theorist KC Houseman (John Bradley) to save the day.

It’s been described as about five different disaster movies rolled into one and that’s very accurate. There’s one movie going on in space and about four others happening back on earth. Between the floods, water tornados, car chases and ordinary people bouncing around earth like they’re on the actual moon it’s hard to believe all of this madness is crammed into one movie. I can only hope Halle Berry and Patrick Wilson got paid enough for this rubbish. I don’t know how they made it through their scenes with a straight face. If there was ever a clear case of a “gimmie the paycheck” performances it’s these two. They’re better actors than this horrendous movie would have you believe. Moonfall is daft, you’ll feel idiotic watching it but I did laugh at some moments of sheer stupidity.

There’s definitely an audience for disaster movies and there’s also a slightly smaller audience for truly awful disaster movies. So when the terrible reviews for Moonfall started emerging it either caused you to rush to the cinema to see this car crash of a movie or stay well away. The question now remains, has Moonfall fallen into the “so bad it’s good” category? No, I’m sorry to say it hasn’t and unless you really have nothing else to do and want to have your brain switched off for a bit then I can’t recommend Moonfall. It’s dreadful from start to finish. There are better ways to spend your time and it just doesn’t have enough laughs to make up for how dull and stupid it is. Not recommended, avoid.

★☆☆☆☆